Another F***ing Massacre.

On Saturday night/early Sunday morning, June 12th, 2016 at the LGBT club Pulse in Orlando, Florida:

  • 49 people were shot dead, 50 including the shooter
  • 53 non-fatal injuries incurred
  • It was an apparent hate crime
  • The perpetrator, Omar Mateen, had been previously investigated for ties to ISIS
  • He was allowed to legally purchase firearms after the fact
  • He was also physically abusive toward his wife
  • A co-worker described him as “psychologically unhinged”, though he did past psychological tests
  • Previously scouted Walt Disney World as a target

If gun violence wasn’t a daily occurrence in my country, and my brother-in-law wasn’t so passionate about his rights as a gun owner and well-read when it comes to politics–far more so than me–I wouldn’t be so on the fence about gun rights. I would be stark raving mad and as irrational as everyone else. Don’t get me wrong. I am genuinely supportive of gun rights (and every other right granted us as citizens) in the US. However, there are moments when I hear the phrase “gun rights” after tragedies like this and I truly, honestly, just need to throw up my arms and scream:

jerry

Because for every argument in favor of guns, another person dies in this country due to gun violence. Anyone without a criminal record can walk into a store and legally purchase a gun and the associated ammo, provided he/she passes the background check, and walk out of the store. They could easily run across the street and shoot up a mall right then and there if they wanted, just like that. You would never see it coming. But all because they have no prior criminal record or were let go by the oh-so-responsible FBI (if you don’t believe me, look at the startling number of people with supposed terrorist ties that they vetted, who then went on to bomb cities), they are permitted, in this country, to purchase a gun and run off and start causing chaos like a real-life Grand Theft Auto scene.

I jest a bit here, but it could happen. People can get them all willy-nilly.

There are reasons this cannot be done in countries like Canada, or most other First World nations on the planet (others may issue guns or allow you to purchase them, but not keep the ammo on hand). They look at us like we’re insane, and perhaps rightfully so. Because most other First World nations are 1) far older than the US, and with a much longer history concerning firearms rights and usage, and 2) it has made them responsible about gun ownership enough to realize that how we do things in the US opens a huge can of worms. The stark difference was that all it took for them, by contrast, was one or two massacres. Boom, tighter gun laws, no question.

So what, exactly, is our problem in the US?

Now before anyone starts screaming about gun ownership being a right under the US Constitution, I wasn’t making light of this to be sarcastic. I’m just pointing out the facts. Literally ANYONE could, within the realm of probability, do something drastic or insane like that in the US. I could. You could. Your nextdoor neighbor could. Somebody’s nextdoor neighbor already has. Ask the Harris and Klebold family’s neighbors. It’s a fact. We just don’t know. And yet we trust each other with this responsibility after all these countless tragedies? We live in an era where few people even have the balls to let their kids out of their sight for one fleeting second to go play outside because we’re told that child predators are running rampant everywhere. But somehow, we feel safer as long as we’re “the good guys with guns”? We are incredibly mistrustful of each other. Incredibly so.

And guess what?

That’s the whole point.

Firearms and the massacres carried out with them are just one of many things in this country that have MADE us mistrustful of each other. And that lack of trust leads to more gun sales, because more people are paranoid. Hell, it drives the whole industry. We live in a culture of fear, and that fear is destroying us as a nation. An entire generation of people have been raised on television and look at the world, and all they see is horror, because the media perpetuates that mindset and hammers home the nail of fear. Fear has driven a lot of horrid actions taken by this country, usually for the worst. And in turn, we as individuals become more volatile.

But if we cannot trust our own neighbors and fellow citizens, what in the name of all that is good and holy makes us think that we can trust each other when at least one or all of us has a stockpile of deadly weapons on hand? Can you even trust yourself?

Think on this for a moment: There is literally NO federal law limiting how many firearms a person in America can own, and while some states require multiple sales in a short time span to be reported to law enforcement, law enforcement by extension is not required to investigate said purchases.

Why should we have the right to own as many firearms as we can amass with the fewest possible checks, and in the shortest time span? And when we have clearly demonstrated, as a society, that we do not respect guns in America, and the damage they are capable of doing?

Going back to trust, do you get what such a level of fear and anger does? It throws responsibility out the window. So you’ll buy weapons and fumble to use them. That goes doubly so in situations when you’re faced with a knee-jerk reaction. Parents have shot their own children dead because they thought they were intruders, or they happened to leave the safety off their gun while in the car. In addition to this, the average first-time gun owner in America is not required to undergo training courses on firearm basics such as proper storage or how to aim, much less how to fire the thing. Are these really people who should be able to purchase such a deadly device? Would you want them trying to diffuse an active shooter? They would be far more likely to shoot themselves, or another innocent bystander.

That’s why a lot of European countries require military duty for all male youth, by the way; so they can defend themselves and their country if needed, and know how to handle and respect firearms properly. And even then, they still cannot obtain such weapons as easily as we can in the US.

Now sure, some argue you could own a multitude of knives or swords. And yeah, maybe in barring guns, they too would cause a problem. But they certainly wouldn’t kill as many people per second, even if used by a trained assassin, because guns are easier death machines and cause more fatal injuries by far.

I get it that owning firearms is your Second Amendment right under the US Constitution. I really do. And I support your rights. But I also really have to question just what makes you so afraid that you feel the need to own such a deadly weapon for protection in the first place. Is it because anyone else could potentially be holding a gun, or something else? There is an old quote, often misattributed to Einstein, which I think applies in this case.

“Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.” – Unknown

Many people have said this in recent days too, and I think it bears repeating as well. Violence in response to violence is not the answer. And yet this is the excuse people use when it comes to the vast majority of arguments in favor of guns as a means of protecting themselves and their families from harm. But that makes little sense when it applies to an active shooter situation, as most massacres are over within two minutes. Heck, even any sort of attack, it’s not supposed to be your first choice! All experts and law enforcement concur that your NUMBER ONE priority in that scenario is to RUN. NUMBER TWO is to hide. If those previous points fail, then you can whip out your gun and start doing your thing.

But to the end of protection, I must ask…what about the protection of other innocent civilians who are gunned down every day because of firearms in this country? How might they have prevented it? Whether by a planned massacre or a careless accident, it seems to me that all of those deaths have been in vain. And I’m not mincing words here. They have all died in vain. Every single one.

Because if they’d died for a reason, we would be doing something by now about the collective careless mindset of ignorance that we’ve all adopted regarding guns in this country. It is not a right that the vast majority of us respect, because it’s been proven that fear hinders rational thought, and thus I personally believe that an overwhelming number of people in this country have purchased and own guns for the wrong reasons. Whether or not it’s your RIGHT is not the main issue for me. I question your motives for doing so.

They might think otherwise. And you can tell me that’s just my opinion if you want, that’s fine. I know it is. But it doesn’t change the truth that we have a major problem with our attitude surrounding guns, and the ignorance has gone on well past the boiling point. Even more than that, it’s become the gun’s foremost selling point. Not hunting, but killing or injuring. Supposed “protection” from people who are crazier than you are.

You know what other bogus things we do for “protection”? The PATRIOT Act. Infant circumcision. Building up our arsenal of nukes whilst demanding that other countries dismantle theirs.

Of course my opinion doesn’t matter, because it’s still your right to purchase and own a gun. And to that end, I would pose one final question to responsible gun owners everywhere, since I’ve yet to hear any actual solutions from them with solid points…

What would YOU do to prevent any further massacres?

And please don’t back down. I genuinely want to know. Because all I ever hear from people arguing gun ownership in this country anymore is “there are no easy solutions” or “we don’t fully know what causes these things, there are a multitude of factors”.

Stop making excuses. Gee, I don’t know, why is it that every other First World nation has tighter gun laws than us? Why do they look at us and shake their heads whenever a new massacre happens? Gosh, I dunno, could it be because there IS a way to prevent this nonsense?

Because I argue that if you’re such a responsible gun owner, it is YOUR MORAL OBLIGATION to prevent such careless tragedies from happening, because the stance you choose to take on this issue does not only affect you, but countless other Americans. Find a way. Please. Before any more people die because you chose to stand idly by and do nothing. Saying “it’s complicated” is an unacceptable cop-out when countless lives are lost to gun violence, all because such weapons are so easy to obtain. After all, if this is truly about protection, how can you logically, or in good conscience, fight for your own rights whilst letting others die in vain?

I can hear dissenting voices now. “How dare you equate me with the perpetrator, I didn’t personally do this!”.

No, you didn’t. But maybe, just maybe, your attitude about guns speaks more about why there’s such a problem in this country regarding firearms.

After all, when a Constitutional right to own something becomes more important than a single human life that has been lost, and you begin to see all these deaths as a statistic instead of actual people whose lives were equally worth fighting for along with your own, maybe it’s time you put down the doomsday device for once and ask yourself why. 

 

7 Things I’ve Learned As A Writer

Hey everyone, I’ve got a new vlog for you all! =)

Since (by my own judgment) I kind of suck at talking to a camera and may have fumbled a couple points, I wrote a basic outline that goes a little more in-depth than the video:

  1. Accept criticism of your work. Let’s face it. If you’re not willing to listen to what readers have to say about your work, you will never develop yourself as a writer. This can be a bit of a balancing act at first, but you have to learn to weigh what is most beneficial to you. There will always be self-righteous trolls out there ready rip apart your work for stupid reasons, but the good thing is that you get the final say and you don’t have to listen to that shit. Only accept what your think would make your story stronger.
  2. Read more. It will make you a better author. This should go without saying. And when I say read, I don’t mean Buzzfeed or Cracked articles (unless of course that’s who you’re writing for), I mean read actual books. Read many books, and in different
    genres and points of view. Not only will it strengthen your prose and dialogue, but it will also expand your horizons and help you see what is necessary to build stronger characters andan addicting narrative. Plus you may find yourself coming up with ideas in a genre you hadn’t previously considered writing in before.
  3. Characterization is everything, because characters drive the plot. This isn’t necessarily something I’ve ever had a problem with, because most of the stories I read deal with strong character development.I also watch people a lot and I think watching a lot of movies has really helped me develop good, strong characters and dialogue. Dialogue is actually one of the first things I write for my story when I’m constructing a scene, and sometimes I’ll even pace around my room like a crazy person trying to act out that scene. But that’s not because I’m insecure or nuts about it, I’m just emotionally moved by it, and strong characters are what I base my entire plot around. Think of characterization as the Force from Star Wars. It’s always there, surrounding everything, but you can’t see it. That’s what strong characterization does. Then the action comes, and it changes them from within, and they react. Given the Force and inner workings of your characters, how do they react? Strong characters are essential for telling a story worth reading.
  4. If you love it, stay in it for the long haul. I can’t tell you how many artists, writers, and musicians I’ve seen quit at this just because they didn’t know how to build an audience, or decided that just because one part of their story or song was crap, they
    should just throw out the entire thing. But your creations are, for better or worse, a mental and emotional extension of you. In effect, they’re your children. And you don’t throw out the baby with the bath water, do you? You don’t throw your kid out on the street just because they slipped up once. Writing a story, just like with any kind of art and even parenting, is about loving and nurturing your creation and seeing it through. So if you really love to write, don’t quit! It’s a vital part of you and I promise that with enough love and dedication, it will get better and you can do anything!
  5. Write in multiple points of view. It will expand your horizons. The fact is, most writers typically start in first person, just because it’s easier to put yourself in your character’s shoes and write his or her thoughts down. Basically, like writing a diary. The problem with this is that first person is a very hard point of view for newbie writers to pull off effectively. For one, you’re not able to see what anyone else is thinking, and two, your entire world will be colored by your character’s perception of it. You have to show equal parts introspection as well as outside action. That’s not to say that you can’t tell a great story with that point of view, but it’s important to be aware of the benefits and limitations that each perspective comes with. I for example wrote my first two books in first person, and while it worked for those stories, I realized it wasn’t going to work for my current story. I decided to try third person limited POV, and while it was a little awkward for me at first, I’ve gotten incredibly comfortable with writing in that style, and my story is much better as a result. So don’t limit yourself.

  6. Remember to write and read with cultural diversity in mind. AKA, #CheckYourPrivilege. Hopefully, you’re not racist, misogynist, or a hater of LGBTQ people. I cannot stress this enough, because it’s a question a lot of straight, white, male authors seem to struggle with. There’s a good quote a friend of mine said a while back, and that is “it takes effort not to be racist”. My point here is that if you’re a white, straight author and your stories don’t include women, people of other ethnicities, sexual orientations, or gender identities, you’re being ignorant and your stories will probably be boring. Consider that it is possible to be ignorant by omission as well; if you’re not including the physical descriptions of your characters and you are a white author, it’s generally assumed your cast is white unless noted otherwise. If you are genuinely concerned with how to remedy this problem, I highly suggest visiting a Tumblr called Writing With Color that will tell you pretty much everything you need to know on how to write with cultural diversity in mind.
  7. Make friends with other authors. Seriously. There are way more of us than you think! Especially indie authors, who need your support the most. Plus there’s nothing more beneficial to your writing than making a few friends who might help you edit and beta read your work. So get out there and make some author friends, because they’re literally all over Twitter. Join a writers group! Even if there aren’t any in your local area, there are plenty you can find online. Sign up for NaNoWriMo. I know that’s in November, but its extension site, Camp NaNoWriMo, is going on all throughout the year to help keep you motivated. You can make personalized writing goals and keep in touch with groups of other authors just like you. You literally have nothing to lose. Even if you’re as painfully introverted as me.

    So those are my Top 7 Things I’ve Learned As A Writer, and I hope they help you too =)

Embracing Your Weirdness

So lately I’ve just been thinking how everyone, especially young people, are so petrified of what the world thinks of them nowadays. To that, I say this. With everyone placed on the same eternally spinning sphere surrounded by big burning glittery things in pitch black antigravity, several things are certain:

  1. We will all meet each other at one point or another
  2. We all think we’re weird, so you might as well embrace it. You never know who might like it. We’re all awkward, insecure, and feel inadequate. It’s why we do things, good or bad. Be secure in the knowledge that everyone else is just as insecure as you. And if they say they’re not, there’s a 90% chance they’re lying.
  3. Not many will understand you at first. But that’s okay. They’re just used to paying more attention to themselves and their own world. You’re always you, and nobody can take that away.
  4. Usually if you’re not in harmony with yourself, you can’t be in harmony with others. Start with the understanding of that you’re actually not all that special. Everyone, to a certain degree, is just like you. They breathe the same air, feel many of the same feelings, have good or bad days, just like you. Maybe they come from a different society which colors their interpretation of the world, but in general, most of us fear the same things and aspire to rise above those fears, express ourselves, and create positive change in the world.
  5. Given enough time, we all eventually break free of these false, imaginary walls we build both within ourselves and between each other, and embrace our insecurities and secrets for what they are. Because eventually, you get to a point where nothing shocks you anymore. And when you do, you will realize we’re all human, all equally capable of good or bad. It’s how you live in harmony with yourself and others that matters most. 

Basically, you shouldn’t care what anyone thinks of you. There’s no reason to, because we all worry about that. All that matters is that you’re good enough for you, and that you treat yourself and other people well.

It’s funny, really. You grow up and you’re amazed at the evolution of the human race, until you realize we’re all still children inside.

Everyone is just winging it. Most of us are terrified of screwing everything up and maintaining some imaginary wall where all anyone ever sees is the best of us. America suffers from this disease perhaps more than any other nation. But it’s important to be honest with each other and ourselves, because much of the society we’ve built doesn’t want us to. Various companies thrive on our insecurities and fears because nothing sells greater, they provide us products that help maintain this wall. But who cares? The wall is not you. There is no wall.

To quote a favorite movie of mine, “there is no spoon”.

So I encourage you all, young or old, to be shameless. Be weird. Question things. Be honest and real and genuine. Learn to know when you’re not being honest with yourself or others about who you are.

No other path will give you peace.

My First Vlog!

Hey guys! So recently, I discovered an insanely awesome and down-to-earth author named Jenna Moreci, and she is friggin’ amazing! She gives frank and very helpful advice to other writers, and she has become both my go-to resource for writing tips as well as one of my favorite YouTubers.

And because I was so inspired by her and what she does and how she’s marketed herself–resulting in great success and a following of diehard fans–I decided to start a vlog myself to talk about my writing and various other topics of interest related to it.

So without further adieu, I give you my first vlog =) I know it may not be the greatest and I have to get more comfortable in front of a camera and I need to clean my room, all that jazz. But I’m super pumped and excited for it. Check it out! I’ll be putting out new videos every Monday!

On Turning Back to God.

So the other week, I decided to try going to church. My dad is a Baptist pastor. Ultimately, I’m not quite sure what made me want to start going again. At first, I thought it was something I’d do just for him. My dad wants to see me in church again, and just like writing is my thing, church is his thing, and it makes him happy when I show up.

I haven’t regularly attended church for the past ten years.

Now I think it’s because there’s a lot I’ve been struggling with internally. Fear is powerful motivator, and lately I fear I’ve been going down the wrong path in a few ways which I won’t get into here. Which sucks, because it isn’t something I feel comfortable talking about with anyone at all, really. I’ll just say that it’s a certain kind of addiction which involves something on the internet. Anyway. Suffice to say, there’s this strange urge to “get clean”.

But I have my doubts. I doubt myself, and I doubt the presence of God. I doubt His forgiveness, especially when I get caught up in the throes of anxiety and guilt-tripping myself. Like you can’t conceive of this idea of a benevolent, forgiving creator when you feel like your thoughts and emotions are chaining you to the ground. And every time you get up, an obsessive thought comes flying through the air to pin you back down.

I also feel like I face deeper battles if I choose to bring spirituality into my life again. The question of faith is difficult. Not so much faith in God per se, but faith in myself and how to weave the two together. During my years as a Christian, there was so much I struggled with that was pounded into my head (at conventions or by youth leaders, not by family) that was “sinful” or “sacrilege” to do or think about. But I never felt that opening my eyes led me down any wrong path.

I believe there is good in everyone. I believe God is in everyone, and that expressing yourself is an extension of that. But do ideas need tempering, in the same manner that a public image does? I ask because there are deep, disturbing stories I still want to write covering a range of sexual and psychological issues, but I often question their purpose as an extension of me, and their place in a spiritual life. What does it mean? Am I ready for a more pure life? Can I write such things and still call myself a Christian?

These are difficult questions. I know this seems confusing, so I’ll give a solid example of what I mean here.

There’s this story I want to write called Sting.  Very disturbing, intense sexual matter, particularly dealing with a mother who psychologically breaks down her own son to forge him into a sexual weapon to use against the man who raped her. As he grows up, she teaches him the art of seduction, how to come onto older men and what they like, etc. that she learns at her job as a therapist counseling sex offenders. It’s often alluded that they have somewhat of an incestuous relationship, more emotional than physical. Her son is eventually successful in seducing and murdering her rapist, though she goes to jail once the police find out what she did to her child. There is much more to it, but overall, the story deals with deep taboo questions regarding society’s views of teenage sexuality, age of consent, psychological manipulation, and the boundaries of what it means to have a choice.

In other words, do we have free will, or do we just think we do because that’s how we were nurtured and raised?

And I ask myself what place such a story has when it comes to my faith…holy crap, did I just answer my own question here?! Whoa.

Anyway, the struggle still remains. I broached this topic before with myself months ago, and every so often, I return to it again. Because I suppose I believe (or at least I have been taught) that living a Christian life means giving up certain things, and it’s only natural to start with the most obvious that need to go. I don’t know. Maybe my ideas of true Christianity were just warped by all those conventions I attended over the years. They want to “save everyone from sin”. I don’t think I ever got that with my dad. He’s not that kind of pastor at all. I’ve never really discussed my personal faith all that much with him, if at all, and maybe I should start.

Another thing I crave is a closer relationship with my dad. He’s always been my pastor, and the only one I ever enjoyed listening to (I know that’s biased, but it’s true). I love his nature. He’s a funny guy. He gives people a lot of hope and talks extensively about the love of Christ, never doom-and-gloom or hellfire sermons like a lot of those ultra-conservative nutjobs. But it’s difficult to really have a conversation with him too, only because he’s always busy and I am too, and despite the fact we live under the same roof, all we ever really discuss is politics (which gets boring fast).

But I’m rambling lol. I guess my point is, my dad is one of my biggest inspirations. Both my parents have been, perhaps my mom even more so when she was still alive.

So how can I give people hope in the same manner, using my talents? How do I have that same faith in God and faith in myself, while still remaining honest and true to who I am and who I want to be, and especially with what I want to say and show to the world?

As a writer, my mind is often a very disturbing and scary place. I think it was even when I didn’t write as much. I’m sure if I believed in demons, I’d think I was possessed, but I pride myself on being a rational person in the real world lol.

But I’ve always loved asking tough questions, and I think this definitely fits. Do I want a Christian life? Do I even want a Buddhist life, with its many principles and texts which I feel in some ways better resonate with me than the Bible does?

Spirituality and faith are just…difficult anymore. And I wish it wasn’t, because it’s something I want in my life, because I see what that power does for other people. It changes you–hopefully for the better. I want to have faith, and to believe in myself and in the godly force which moves and guides all things. It’s just so hard to see it as something that’s there, especially when you haven’t opened your eyes to it for so long.

Anyway. I will be going to church tomorrow, and I’ll see how I feel about it. Or maybe I just need to have a spirit walk with it, and get really personal with God.

Because ultimately, that’s what I feel a spiritual lifestyle should be. A personal relationship with a being, whether it be your own inner being, or one with the “universal consciousness”, or whatever force you feel moving within that drives you to personal greatness.

I dunno. Maybe the first thing I should do is stop worrying and not get caught up in rules or particulars just yet. Read my Bible, read other religious texts, meditate on it, and just go with the flow of wherever it takes me.

Maybe faith is like a river. What do you think?

You Don’t Know What It’s Like

I try to see the 21st century as a formative one when it comes to society. We can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, as the saying goes. Despite that, I’m disgusted by the amount of bullies that online anonymity frequently produces, the sheer ignorance and lack of understanding of some people, and the fact we’re still fighting century-old battles that should have been resolved by now. Racism, women’s rights, LGBT+ rights, constantly shaming each other because we’re not good enough or whatever.

You don’t truly know someone else’s struggle. You don’t know what demons some people fight every second of every day. And it’s far too easy to resign yourself to ignorance than to learn respect and tact. I write about this constantly in every story I pen, because it’s not something people want to understand. From the darkest and most evil to the saddest of the sad. People commit mass genocide, invade countries, fight long and brutal wars and torture the crap out of each other and themselves for many years.

All to avoid sitting down, listening, and talking. The one human phenomenon that continues to boggle my mind.

Why. Why. Why is it ever so IMPOSSIBLE to sit and talk and try understanding each other? A question for the ages. I know we’ve come a long way, and we’ve longer still to go.

I do have hope.

But I just wanted to illustrate how much this avoidance of natural communication wears on humanity.

The Hatred of Change, and Writer’s Frustration.

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It is no secret to those who know me that I abhor healthy routines. If there is any length of time during which I manage to drag my stubborn ass onto the path of eating healthy, sleeping normal hours, using the gym membership I waste $20 a month for, paying bills on time, and being a normal, sociable person who actually takes time for interaction outside of work, it is inevitable that I will screw it up somehow.

And I can feel myself slipping, every time. The nights get progressively longer, until eventually I’m going to bed in the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes I’ll get fed up and reprogram myself by staying up for 48 hours until I’m exhausted enough, but lately I find myself incredibly stubborn. I do this even though I know I feel at least 70% better about life on a regular schedule.

I make a lot of excuses for why I don’t go out anymore. “I have to write,” I’ll tell myself. Or “I have to finish working on this song”. And then months go by, and life passes by and very little of it really gets done.

All of that seems to be changing lately. Not the stubborn habits, but my work ethic. I now have two web serials going, Burntown which is a post-apocalyptic sci-fi teen drama amalgamation (that I haven’t worked on in over a year but just decided hey, let’s see if anyone likes this weird thing), and Adventures in Viktorium, a dystopian sci-fi series which is much better written and is more planned out.

Guess which one is now getting the most attention since I just dumped all these posts into it last night? Of course. Burntown.

But I am not particularly proud of Burntown. The writing isn’t the best. It’s horribly planned out and needs editing. It straddles a few lines, ranging from major teen drama and social issues to post-apocalyptic, and then later on I blast the characters off into deep space. Strangest story ever.

And yet somehow, Adventures in Viktorium, which I am currently writing in the arena of 4,000 words a day for, is getting no traction at all. I wanted feedback on it most of all.

That’s one of the most incredibly discouraging things for me as a writer and music producer. It has been for a long time. How can I be this creative and yet have no audience? All I want is feedback. I feel like a tree falling in a forest that makes a sound, but no one’s around to hear it, so it’s as if that sound does not exist–even though I know it does, because I made it.

Maybe it’s that I’m still waiting for that “magic hand”, so to speak to drag me out of obscurity–which is also why I haven’t looked for a better day job–but I am slowly getting better at tearing away from that mindset and working on my own luck. I’ve recently been talking to a successful author named Travis Simmons, and while he isn’t world famous by any means, he makes an actual living off his writing (or otherwise things involved with writing). That’s pretty what I want to do, and he’s given me a few pointers. I don’t need to be famous (nor would I want to), I just want to make a living doing what I love.

But I wonder why it even bothers me that I get no attention–I think it may stem from my childhood. My dad didn’t really spend a whole lot of time with me since he’s a pastor, and even now that I’m 29, we don’t have the closest relationship. It’s been hard all my life to find people willing to listen to me, because I was usually the one listening to everyone else and helping them with their issues, to the point I never helped myself.

And now somehow, I must break free of that mindset. I must make a change. I just wish I felt some sort of validation, or knew how to go about validating myself as a human. A rite of passage, as it were. It feels pathetic to want attention. But I don’t think the general wanting of anything is bad in itself. It’s good to want, and it’s okay. But I don’t think it’s okay to want out of lack for something, or to fill a void. You should want because it’s good, because it is already yours, because you already feel blessed. You should want for others, and want because of the experience of having.

Life is transient after all, and short. To quote one of my favorite bands Circa Survive, accomplishments are transient.

Maybe that’s what I have to get back to. The one thing I always used to hate about the Lehigh Valley where I now live is that everything in it seems transient; the people, the businesses, the friends, everyone just passes through. We’ve become somewhat of a tourist destination in recent years, and this is no more evident than in our interpersonal relationships.

Still, maybe it’s time I embraced the transience, the impermanence of everything. What would happen if I did that? I wonder…

Buddhist monks painstakingly create these beautiful, intricate sand mandalas, then toss them into the river when they finish. It serves as a reminder of the transience of life.

I’ve wanted to cultivate my spiritual self forever, but like everyone else in this media/internet-saturated world, I “haven’t had the time”.

What if I stopped focusing on the how? What if I stopped looking for validation? I love what I write. I do it because I like to think that through the sharing of myself, I can help others. I can give them an escape.And through it, I escape also, as I learn to love myself.

Fate will find me. We are all walking universes made up of the literal collective past of the cosmos. I do not hold a universe inside me just to collapse. But even if I do, I am reborn. We are all transient creatures, helping each other along through the motions. My words should be a narrative of that. They will find the people who need them most.

Yes. I think that will be my philosophy from now on. Don’t look for the readers, because then all you’re looking for is validation. Your words will find them. Keep pressing on.

Embrace the transience.